(DBZ) Cell's Perfect Tea Party

Cell's Perfect Tea Party

It was a lovely day in Hell. Er… well, if there is such a thing in Hades. Generally, those in charge of torture and stuff were given a day off, as were those who worked the billows that kept up the fire, so all the damned souls were given a break.

Cell, in his perfect form, was rushing around his home, making sure all was in order. Well… Okay, he was running around this clearing in a circle of boulders fashioning things to resemble a home setting. A large flat rock was in the center of the area to serve as a table with four rocks around it for chairs. The villain had managed to scrounge up some nice china and had placed four table settings with lovely white linen napkins on the table. You just never know what you'll find lying around in Hell (or in the K-mart on the opposite side of Needle Mountain...).

Cell set the hot teakettle in the center of the table and nervously checked around his… uh… tearoom… to ensure that everything was in order. "Perfect," he murmured to himself in satisfaction. Everything was perfect. 'Cause he's Perfect Cell, you know. You DO know, right? RIGHT?? … Ahem…

*Clonk clonk clonk* went the rapping on one of the rocks around the "house."

Cell jumped at the knocking. "Oh! My first guest!" He quickly smoothed out his  pure white apron to be sure that he'd gotten all the wrinkles out. Of course he had, and you know why. "Coming!" He trotted over to an opening between two boulders, pausing to make sure there was no blemish in his appearance. But there wasn't, of course. "Oh, hello!" he greeted the being who stood at the opening and looked around. "Come on in!"

Freeza snorted. "Whatever." He walked inside the ring of boulders. "What a lovely little arrangement you have here," he commented.

"Why thank you!" Cell replied, blushing. "It's nothing really. Just something I came up with at the last minute." Cell is a really humble guy, you know, especially since he's perfect and all. "May I take your coat?" he said with the flawless manners of a host.

"… I don't have a coat."

"Oh… Well, then may I take your sunflower tiara and your purse?" Cell offered.

"No, you may not," Freeza said snidely, clutching his purple bag to his chest.

*Clonk clonk clonk*

"Oh, another guest!" Cell exclaimed, clasping his hands together. "Please, Freeza, sit down anywhere you'd like! Once everyone gets here I'll serve the tea, so in the mean time feel free to have some biscuits."

Freeza sat down in the seat facing the "door," placed his purse in his lap, and gingerly took a biscuit. After inspecting it for a moment, he took a bite, and was quite surprised to find that it was delicious. Of course, no one can be sure how he could possibly be shocked by Cell's expert cooking skills, 'cause everyone knows that he's PERFECT.

Cell hurried to the doorway and saw that it was Evil Buu, in his usual MC-Hammer-style pants, at the door. "Buu! Darling! How have you been?"

Buu glared at the genetically engineered creature for a few moments before replying, "Dead and bored."

"Oh… Well, I'm sorry to hear that. Please come in and sit down." Cell stepped aside to make way for the pink man, and continued to speak to him as he passed by. "Freeza is already here. Have you two met?"

"A few times." Buu studied Cell's set-up, then sat down to Freeza's left.

"Well, perhaps we can all get better acquainted this afternoon!" Cell chirped positively.

*Clonk clonk clonk*

"Oh that must be my last guest!" Cell announced. He hurried over to the entrance and there was Bebi. "Hello! Come inside and sit, please!"

Bebi did not reply. He seemed to slowly drift into the room and sat in the seat across from Buu, content enough to exist despite his never-ending misery.

"Well then!" Cell closed the door, which disturbed his guests seeing as how there was no door, and went over to the table. "Anyone care for tea?"

Freeza shrugged. "Sure."

"Is there candy in it?" Buu inquired skeptically.

"Well, I'm afraid not," Cell admitted, biting his lip. It was not good to have an unpleased guest. Then his red eyes lit up, and he reached behind himself to a table against the wall (Okay, it was just another rock, but give him a break. It's hard to be perfect in Hell. You have to make due, you know?). He picked up a lovely china bowl filled with neatly wrapped hard candy and set it on the table. "But you may put some of these in if you'd like!"

Buu snatched up a handful of candy and set it on his plate. He set to work on carefully unwrapping each piece and savoring it slowly. It'd been so long since he'd had any sweets, and he vowed to appreciate the exquisite experience.

"Tea, Bebi?" Cell said politely.

The creature only stared back at him with sorrowful, empty eyes. "Why not? Then again, why at all? Thirst: just another urge that our bodies demand we satisfy in order to further our survival in a cold, cruel uncaring world, when we all wind up dead and alone in the end. Tea is of no importance in the whole of life, so it doesn't matter if one desires it or not."

Everyone at the table sweatdropped.

"So, no tea, Bebi?" Cell asked again, holding the kettle over the cup and ready to pour.

"It doesn't matter."

Cell stared at him for a moment, then filled his guest's cup, in case he became thirsty later. Cell was a great host. Remember: he's perfect.

Cell filled his own teacup and set the kettle back onto the table before sitting down himself in the remaining seat. "So," he began enthusiastically, "anything new?"

"I thought of a twenty-seven new ways to destroy Goku today," Buu replied as he added a couple of candies to his tea.

"Only twenty-seven?" Freeza scoffed. "Why, every day I come up with at least a hundred!"

"While you make your little fairy crowns?" Buu snapped, glancing at the sunflower wreath on the former tyrant's carapace.

Offended, Freeza placed a claw on his tiara. "For your information many people appreciate my way of artistic expression!" he retorted sharply. "But I should have expected that a person such as you, who hasn't been exposed to much of the fine arts unlike the HIGH class I usually run with, cannot admire my headwear for its elegant simplicity!"

"… WHAT?" Buu stared at him incredulously.

"Now, now, boys," Cell soothed them. "Let's not ruin our tea with such ill-mannered remarks. I'm sure all of your plans are well-suited to destroy those who destroyed us."

"What about you, Cell?" Freeza asked after taking a sip of his tea, which was, of course, absolutely delicious. "How many ideas have you come up with to do away with Gohan?"

Cell blushed. "Well, to be honest," he said hesitantly, "only one."

The table was silent.

"Only one??" Buu exclaimed. "You've been down here longer than me and Bebi-"

"'Bebi and I,'" Cell corrected, reminding Buu of perfect grammar.

"Bebi and I," Buu repeated, rolling his eyes, "and you've only thought of ONE way to bring Gohan and his fellow warriors to their knees??"

"Well, yes," Cell admitted, "but it's one I'm fairly sure will work if one is given the opportunity to use it."

Freeza scoffed. "I'm sure. Tell us, Cell, what is this infallible plan?"

Cell set down his cup and looked around the table. "Well, I suppose the proper way to bring the Z warriors to their demise would be to train until one were definitely stronger than any of them and then destroy them- not absorb or incapacitate them- all in one sweep without prelude or ego-boosting games."

"…" All stared at Cell with shocked eyes.

"That… that plan is…" Buu gaped with disbelief.

"… perfect…" Freeza finished for him with a matching expression.

"Oh, I'm sure it's not 'perfect'." Cell insisted with another blush. What a guy; so humble even when he knows it is a plan that is sure to succeed. Such a role model.

Bebi's depressed gaze became even darker. "Such perfection is a harsh reminder of my own wretchedness," he said wistfully. "One such as me could never have come up with a scheme with such few variables, for my mind is so twisted with intricate thoughts of death and destruction that the simplicity of that strategy would have never occurred to me. If I had lived my pointless existence any longer, I would have continued to struggle with failure again and again for all eternity, and die without ever knowing the sweet taste of success. It would be all I would have ever known, as it is now."

All others at the table sweatdropped.

"… Oh, Bebi," Cell comforted, "it can't be as bad as all that. You, like everyone-" he paused to give encouraging smiles to Freeza and Buu "- have unique qualities that make you special."

"Such as?" Bebi asked doubtfully, not even making the effort to look up from the table.

"Well, right then you made a lovely, eloquent speech to express your discontent. Many people aren't nearly as articulate as you are."

Bebi only seemed to retreat deeper into his inner torment. "What good shall that do me now in death?"

"Well… when the campaigns begin again for the elected Hell torment officials, perhaps one of them may hire you as his or her speech writer. Then you would not be subject to the agony that we are exposed to for quite some time," Cell suggested with a smile.

"And then after those ridiculous votes are cast, I too shall be cast- cast away into the dust of these arid, rocky expanses and once again to be subjected to punishments of inexplicable horror. I shall have wasted my efforts for the benefit of another who shall have been completely ungrateful towards me despite my exertion, who shall easily forget me once I am banished once again into the fiery pits of the underworld."

"Why must you always think so pessimistically, Bebi?"

"Because the dark side of life is all I have known, all I ever will know…"

"… So, Freeza," Buu said suddenly, a little too loudly, "how's the fucking with Zarbon been?"

Freeza blanched. "Eh………"

"Buu!" Cell scolded. "Please, watch your language. I don't appreciate such vulgar words being used in my home."

"Really!" Freeza agreed, glad for a change of subject.

"Well, how are you and Zarbon doing, by the way?" Cell asked pleasantly as he refilled the pink creature's and the ex-dictator's cups.

Or so he thought. "Eh…" Freeza was now very interested in how his index fingers poked together. "It's… It's fine…" he muttered with a blush.

"It's so uplifting to see that even in the asylum of the damned true love can still flourish." Cell clasped his hands together beneath his chin. "Oh, it's so romantic!"

"It's pathetic," Buu snarled.

"Buu!" Cell looked at him with disapproval. "Don't be so discouraging just because you have never found someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with."

Buu glanced away. "That’s… not entirely true…"

"Oh, it's not?" Cell reiterated with surprise. "Well, do tell then…"

All gave their attention to Buu. Even Bebi was able to withdraw his thoughts from his perpetual grief in order to hear the tale.

"We only knew each other for a short time," Buu began, his narration already tinted with sadness. "I was a different person then, although still dangerous and feared. He, however, saw past my thirst for destruction and soon helped me overcome it. But I could not be changed forever. I was divided into two halves, and inevitably the darker side won. Since that day I've never seen him-"

"Are you talking about that DOG?" Freeza burst out.

"Oh, Bee," Buu said, sniffling, "how I miss you…"

"That's disgusting!" Freeza wrinkled his nose in distaste. "In love with a dog! It's lucky you never got a chance to bed it!"

Buu blinked. "What?" His eyes widened. "I never said I was in love with Bee!"

"Yes, you did! You just heart-brokenly told the tale of your relationship!"

"I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Bee, not that I wanted to fuck him! There's a difference!" Buu snapped. "God, you're a sick bastard."

"Dog-fucker!"

"Gentlemen, please!" Cell pleaded with them. "Must all our conversations turn to name-calling? Let us just change the subject."

Bebi had returned his gaze to the table. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a small cockroach crawling around the table and feeding on stray biscuit crumbs. He could identify with the small creature. It was also alone and unloved, left to survive by its own means. The metaphor brought a bit of light into his soul. Perhaps there were others like him and this bug, those who knew of his plight and would like to become more acquainted with him. The thought actually brought a bit of happiness and he smiled down at the roach.

It looked up and saw Bebi's loathed face looking down at it. It quickly scuttled off, as not even mindless insects want to be anywhere near a creature as disgusting and as contemptible as Bebi. The bit of tranquility in the abhorrent creature was immediately replaced with enduring sorrow as he was reminded of how he would never, ever be loved by anyone or anything. NEVER.

"What would you like to talk about, Bebi?" Cell asked politely.

Bebi said nothing. He only shrank more into the depression that was himself as a single tear slid down his face.

"Bebi? Are you okay?"

"UWAAAHHHHH!!!" Bebi suddenly erupted into spastic, distressed sobs.

"Oh, fucking Christ…" Buu muttered.

"Buu!" Cell reprimanded once again. "Don't mock others' pain! It's not becoming of you." He got up and walked around the table to where Bebi sat and put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't cry, dear. I'm sure it will all be all right."

"No! NO, IT WON'T!" Bebi shrieked, making the three other villains jump. "I'm the most miserable, hated thing that's ever existed!" He pointed to Freeza and Buu. "Even you two, two of the most feared, powerful creatures to ever live, can only stand to be in the same room with me because you don't have to touch me or talk to me!"

"Aw, that's not true," Cell said with a frown, not noticing the two others sweatdropping and exchanging guilty glances. "You guys think Bebi is very special, don't you?" he added, turning to the two.

Freeza and Buu nervously sat up in their seats at Cell's expectant glance. Then they hunched over to hide their faces and mumbled things like, "Yeah, sure, of course," while looking at very interesting things involving the table and their hands.

"See?" Cell said encouragingly and turned his attention back to Bebi.

"Liars! LIARS!" Bebi shouted, clutching his hands into fists and shaking them up at the yellow sky with rage.

"Bebi!" Cell replied sternly. "It is just not possible for someone to have absolutely no one that appreciates them!"

"Oh, really?" Bebi sneered. His torturous woe was swiftly turning into frustrated ire. "What about you, Cell?!" he asked accusingly. "Do YOU like me at all?"

Cell smiled and chuckled. "Oh, Bebi. That should be obvious to you by now."

Bebi's anger faded instantly as he looked up at Cell in awe. Of course! Why else would the kind man have invited him to tea if he did not like him? Oh, the glory of the moment, when Bebi's aching heart was finally relieved of its grief, when his damned soul was soothed by the kind hand of love…

Cell patted Bebi on the head. "Of course I don't like you."

His heart was smashed with anguish once more, and the touch of affection quickly showed itself to be a blow of malice.

"I only invited you to my little soirée because I felt sorry for you," Cell gave Bebi an expression of pure pity. "You always just sit out in the pits of Hell by yourself, not even screaming as the flames lick at your body. I wanted to bring at least some activity into your life."

Bebi only stared at him openmouthed. "But… but… you actually talked to me… and…"

Cell smiled, but the implied pity remained. "Of course I spoke to you! I invited you here. What kind of a host would I be if I just ignored you the whole time? As for patting you on the back and such…" Cell lifted his hand, and when he looked at it he found that he could not hide his slight cringe. "Your essence will just be burned away once the billows start up again."

"Dude, that's harsh," Buu said, but he had no sympathy.

"I'm sure you understand, Bebi," Cell said tactfully, despite the fact that his words were obviously very horrible to say. Of course, when it comes from a guy like Cell, it will sound perfectly nice no matter what he says. And no one likes Bebi anyway.

Bebi could only twitch eerily in response.

"I knew you would!" Cell said, returning to his seat. "Now Buu, I hear that you too can regenerate from a single cell!"

Buu nodded. "Yeah, it's quite handy, isn't it?"

Cell took a sip of tea. "Indeed. A little painful, but it's worth the effort."

"Yes," Buu agreed. "It's a great trait to have. It's also why we lasted longer in battle than some supposedly horrible villains." He flashed a look at Freeza.

Freeza wasn't paying attention. He was busy watching himself in his compact as he applied his lipstick.

Buu stared at him for a second, then said loudly, "What the HELL are you doing?"

Freeza blinked, brought out of his cosmetic-application concentration. He glared at Buu. "What does it look like I'm doing, moron?"

"I thought your lips were naturally black," Cell said, raising an eyebrow. Um… eye ridge… whatever…

"They are. But these babies don't stay their pure ebony in my old age."

Buu snorted. "Do you have mascara and eyeliner in that bag too?"

Freeza placed the cap back onto his lipstick, then looked at Buu as if he were insane (which he is, but that's beside the point). "Of course I do!"

"I happen to think you look very pretty, Freeza," Cell complimented with a smile, even though we all know Freeza's appearance doesn't hold a candle to Cell's beauty. Like I said before, he's so humble it's sickening.

Buu snarled. "What kind of evil tyrant wears make-up?!" he exclaimed.

"I'm sorry if you are not as concerned about first impressions as I am," Freeza retorted with his nose in the air. "I should expect as much from someone who cannot even afford a shirt!"

Buu shot up from his seat, which would have toppled over if it had been an actual chair. "First of all," he snapped, "I don't wear a shirt because I don't want to! Second of all, you are fucking naked, you fucking hypocrite!"

Freeza threw his purse onto the table and rose. "If you were cultured, like me, you would be educated enough to know that in Ice-jin society no one wears clothing! It is not needed, seeing as how we have nothing to cover!"

"Yeah, a whole dickless race!"

"WHY, you BRUTE!" Freeza snatched up his pocketbook and flung it. It hit Buu square in the face. "How dare you be so thoughtless! I am the most feared, most powerful being to ever exist!"

"Are you kidding me? Even the pansy could kick your ass!" Buu snarled, pointing at Cell.

The perfect being frowned. "Buu, I don’t appreciate being called that."

"Cell, look at me. LOOK at me!" Buu pointed to his stoic expression. "Does it look like I care?"

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Cell, Buu, and Freeza froze, then slowly turned to look at Bebi. The horrible creature was now standing on his chair, hunched over with his hands balled tightly at his sides. His breathing had become quick and labored, and steam was practically rocketing out of his ears and nose.

"Dude, what the hell is your problem?" Buu asked.

"I am sick and tired of being treated this way!" Bebi screamed. "I don't even know why I care that freaks like you hate me! All of you! Losers! All hung up on deaths that occurred due to your own egotism and stupidity!"

He pointed a finger to Freeza. "You! You think that you still own the universe even though you've been dead for about half a century now! You claim to be a part of high society, yet no high society even EXISTS here! And back to be a dictator, you didn't even conquer nine-tenths of those planets! Your daddy gave them to you, or you had other people do all the work!"

Bebi then turned to Buu. "You just think your hot shit 'cause the highest Gods were horrified at the prospect of your awakening! Yet you still LOST! To the same people the 'Almighty Freeza' lost to! And you're so hung up on sweets that the rot in your teeth must have spread to your spastic pink brain!"

When the outcast turned to Cell, the engineered being still had a smile on his face. Everyone knew he was perfect. So there were no possible defects to point out. It was unnerving, though, when Bebi saw Cell's confidence and returned it with a smirk.

"You," Bebi said slowly, "think that you have no flaws. That is the ultimate arrogance. No one is perfect. The fact that everyone who's ever met you deems your so-called perfection absolutely irritating and intolerable is proof that it's not faultlessness at all! If you really were perfect, all would love you, and that certainly is not the case."

There was silence for a few moments, then came the rebuttals.

"Feh!" Freeza turned his nose up a second time and turned away. "What do you know, Bebi?"
"
Yeah," Buu agreed. "No one gives a damn what you think anyway! Right Cell? … Cell?"

Cell stood completely still, aside from the trembling of his entire body. "Not… perfect…?" he breathed. "No… It can't be… I… I AM perfect… I know I am…"

Buu sweatdropped. "Hey, man. Just chill out, okay? So you're not perfect. Big fucking whoop."

"NO!" Cell grabbed Buu by the shoulders. "I AM PERFECT! I AM! I’VE STRIVED MY WHOLE EXISTENCE FOR ULTIMATE PERFECTION! I HAVE TO BE PERFECT!"

Freeza picked his purse up off the floor and rummaged through it. "I think I have some Midol in here if you want it, Cell…"

Cell shoved Buu away and then turned on Freeza. "NO! I don't NEED medication! My body is PERFECTLY fine! My mind is PERFECTLY sound! I need no chemically altering substances! BECAUSE I'M PERFECT!" Freeza took a step back, but Cell only walked forward. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND-"

*CRUNCH*

"… me?" Cell lifted his foot back up to see a crushed cockroach now embedded into the dirt. "What… no… Where did this THING come from??" He looked at where the table met the dirt and saw another roach crawl out from under it.

"Looks like you have in infestation," Buu commented.
Freeza nodded. "Ew."

"No! It can't be!" Frantically, Cell suddenly picked up the table and threw it to the side, china and all. "NOOOO!!!!" he howled when thousands of cockroaches suddenly spread out from where the table had been.

Freeza, clutching his bag to his chest, jumped up onto a chair, while Buu just let the vermin crawl over his feet and zapped the ones that ventured further up his body.

"No! You're ruining everything!" Cell screeched at the bugs. He whipped out some insect killer and began spraying them. "My perfect tea party! RUINED!"

Bebi laughed maniacally. "You see the misfortune your pride has reeked upon you!" he cackled. "I must thank you, though, Cell! Now despite my own torment I can find joy in the disasters of others! MWA HA HA HA!"

"No! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" Cell fell to his knees in a sea of dead roaches as he screamed his anguish to the heavens.

"HA HA HA! AH HAHAHAHA! HA! … Ha! … Heh…" Bebi stood on his chair and looked around awkwardly. He coughed. "Well, I think I'll leave now."

He hopped down, and the still living roaches were quick to stay a fair distance from the disgusting creature's presence. Bebi couldn't help but notice how the cockroaches willingly cleared a path for him as he walked to the door, and his sudden happiness quickly reverted back to his usual despondency. He was mumbling contemplations of suicide as he left.

"Well…" Freeza looked down in horror at the creepy crawlers making their way up his chair. "I believe I'll be leaving as well. Zarbon is expecting me home soon." Before Buu could make a remark, Freeza said, "Will your precious Bee be waiting for you?"

"ARGH!" Buu roared, lunging at Freeza.

But the lizard-like creature already launched himself into the air, and Buu landed right into a pile of icky roaches. Buu was not fazed, however, and quickly followed after the white alien.

Now alone, Cell had given up on trying to kill the little bastards. He sat in the center of all the boulders, letting the tiny cretins swarm all over him. Nothing mattered anymore; he was not perfect. His whole life had been a lie… A LIE, I TELL YOU! Dr. Gero had created him to be absolutely perfect, but Bebi had made it clear that Cell was obviously a failed experiment, a total waste of the doctor's time.

Cell looked to the sky with tears running down his face. "I'm sorry I failed you, Father… I'm so sorry…" he whispered to the sky, hoping that someone, anyone would come along to comfort him.

But Cell isn't perfect anymore, so who gives a damn about him? Let's go. I'll buy you a Coke.